Articles

Single again? As we travel through life, we often end up single. There are many reasons why. It could be the result of meeting the wrong person, death, cheating, lies, divorce, location, goals, and more. Losing a relationship impacts us in many ways. It can be very painful, or it can be very refreshing, or anywhere in-between. No matter what the cause or the degree of pain, there is one truth we all share: We don’t want to end up alone. We want to find companionship.

In order to get into a new relationship, we have to be willing to meet and go out with people. It’s our own fear, however, that often gets in the way.

• We fear getting rejected.
• We fear having a bad time.
• We fear getting hurt.
• We fear having to reject someone else.

All these fears are valid yet easily overcome. If someone rejects you, it only means that that person feels you are not right for them. Believe me, there is someone else who would love to be with you. You have to accept rejection. It is only through trying do we get to the right person.

Many dates and relationships don’t work out. You may look back and think of it as a bad time. It is all right to have a bad time. Only through bad dates do we get to the good dates. It is through our bad relationships that we have the opportunity to learn more about ourselves and what we want, to then approach relationships with more knowledge to succeed.

No one wants to get hurt but if we do not dare to fall in love and get hurt, we cannot be in love. Getting hurt is part of the process. We do get through it and the pain does go away. The best part is there is new love waiting for you.

You may also be fearful of rejecting someone. The truth is no one is obligated to stay with someone who isn’t right for them. Rejection is part of the dating and relationship process.

Change how you look at rejection and see it as a favor. When you reject someone you are releasing him or her to go find someone who will truly appreciate that person. Look at it that way also when someone rejects you. After all, do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t want you? It’s better to be free to find someone who actually wants to be with you.

Can you predict the future? I can’t. In fact, most of us don’t think we can. Yet we continue to believe in self-limiting thoughts about the future. We believe so firmly in these thoughts we allow them to stop us from moving forward and realizing opportunities.

Instead of predicting pain, I can predict for you that if you embrace the dating process instead of watching life pass you by, you will have both good and bad times. I can also predict that these good and bad times will lead you to even better times. Embrace the journey and release your fear.

About Tools To Life Developed by Life Coach Devlyn Steele, Tools To Life is a revolution in self- development, a 77-day program in which thousands have implemented successful changes in their lives. Devlyn Steele is a public consultant, a private counselor, a radio host and an author. He has hosted his own radio show, "Tools To Life" and has been a guest on over 150 various shows. For more information, visit: http://www.lifecoachadvice.com/

As we rush through our busy days accomplishing our tasks– work, kids, shopping, cleaning, and eating on the go, we often complain that we don’t feel good. It is important that we take and active conscious roll in how we feel. By just slowing down and taking a few seconds for yourself, there is a simple and effective way to feel better throughout the day and be more attractive.

All you have to do is smile more.

Smiling changes your attitude, whether you realize it or not. If you have any doubts, the next time you feel down, start smiling and thinking positive thoughts and see what happens.

You can’t help but have a better attitude when you smile.

Smiling also raises your confidence.

Smiling affects our emotions because of a brain-body connection. It triggers scientifically measurable activity in the left frontal cortex, the area of the brain where happiness is registered.

We also instantly become more attractive when we smile. Admit it, when someone is smiling, aren’t you drawn in? Don’t you enjoy that person’s company more? We all do. Smiling is an important part of connecting and getting to know someone.

In fact, there is science dedicated to the study of facial expressions and responses called FACS – Facial Action Coding System. Your face has 44 muscles between the skin, cartilage, blood, and bone that you flex and contort. This lets you make over 5,000 different types of expressions. That’s a lot of expressions! Moreover, each will have a different affect on your feelings and those looking at you.

It is amazing how good smiling is. As your life-coach, I offer you this push. I want you to smile. Go ahead. SMILE!

Let’s do it again but this time breathe in through your nose, let it out through your mouth and smile as you let the air out. Doesn’t that feel good? The breathing is very important. Your nostrils are attached to the limbic system. The limbic system controls your emotions, and when you breathe in deep through your nose, it has a calming effect on you. So breathe in and smile.

Let’s add a final touch, positive thinking. It doesn’t hurt to get excited and say to yourself out loud, “I feel good and I am taking control and finding my opportunities!” Go ahead and do it. Feel that positive energy in your body and the release of tension.

Now that you know how good smiling is for you, make a conscious effort to use this smile exercise a minimum of six times throughout your day. When you smile, remember to breathe in through your nose and think positive thoughts. This I guarantee will make a positive impact on your day and in your life.

In fact, the result from this simple exercise will have a huge effect because a basic fact about energy is that energy is attracted to energy of a similar frequency. So when you smile not only will you be making yourself feel better, you will also be attracting positive energy into your life.

So smile!

About Tools To Life Developed by Life Coach Devlyn Steele, Tools To Life is a revolution in self- development, a 77-day program in which thousands have implemented successful changes in their lives. Devlyn Steele is a public consultant, a private counselor, a radio host and an author. He has hosted his own radio show, "Tools To Life" and has been a guest on over 150 various shows. For more information, visit: http://www.lifecoachadvice.com/

All you have to do is smile more.

It’s only a few weeks into the New Year and all those goals and resolutions you wanted for yourself are already slipping away. One of two things is happening: Either you simply never got started, or you’re running out of steam.

Not getting started is common. Even with all the great enthusiasm and excitement we had about the year, the diversion of the holidays and then just trying to get back into our normal routines didn’t allow us to incorporate our new goals into our old schedules. The goals we initially set now seem too difficult to know where to start. Simply put, we are busy and distracted by the overall tasks of our lives. Don’t worry. There is always “tomorrow” or next year.

The other common element to resolution failure is burn out. It is comically predictable, but have you ever noticed the level of activity the first week of January? Go to any gym and you will see it packed. In fact, January 1 st and 2 nd are two of the busiest days in gym attendance. Weight loss groups, dating sites, financial planners, career advisors, and support groups all report high activity the first week of January.

Everyone wants to get in shape, lose weight, meet someone, get a better job, save money, quit smoking, quit drinking and more. So we start out the year no holds barred and go for it! Unfortunately the results we want don’t come as fast as our initial enthusiasm and when we don’t see quick changes we lose our motivation. As the weeks go by the crowds disappear and soon everything is back to normal activity levels as we all slip back into our routines. Then we stay there until another failed attempt next January. The result is that 2006 will be yet another year you failed to achieve the changes you wanted.

The New Year motivates us to start, but we need to develop a habit of successful behavior. As Jim Ryan put it, “Motivation is what gets us started. Habit is what keeps us going.”

You can develop success habits and remedy lack of or diminished motivation with a life coach technique called “ABC.”

A = Action. Start taking action today. We don’t achieve change through thinking about it, but by doing something.

B = Bite size. Reduce all your new activities to small daily actions. It truly is amazing how doing something small doesn’t overwhelm us and produces amazing results. When we take on too much we either don’t start or can’t keep it up. Work out 10 minutes a day; send out one resume a day, save a little money every day and the results will materialize over time.

C = Consistency. Through the accumulation of small actions, we get big results. Do your bite size action activities daily!

We all want big changes, but literally think about the change in your pocket. We have all taken our daily change and placed it in a container of some sort. Before long, that pile of nickels and dimes had grown to several dollars. If you want to produce real changes, concentrate on the ABC Success Habits. Get into action today with small bite size activities consistently and before you know it, you’ll be going to the bank at the end of 2006 with a sizable deposit of results.

About Tools To Life Developed by Life Coach Devlyn Steele, Tools To Life is a revolution in self- development, a 77-day program in which thousands have implemented successful changes in their lives. Devlyn Steele is a public consultant, a private counselor, a radio host and an author. He has hosted his own radio show called "Tools To Life" and has been a guest on over 150 various shows. For more information, visit: http://www.lifecoachadvice.com/

It’s only a couple of weeks into the New Year and all those goals and resolutions you wanted for yourself are already slipping away. One of two things is happening: Either you simply never got started, or you’re running out of steam.

Not getting started is common. Even with all the great enthusiasm and excitement we had about the year, the diversion of the holidays and then just trying to get back into our normal routines didn’t allow us to incorporate our new goals into our old schedules. The goals we initially set now seem too difficult to know where to start. Simply put, we are busy and distracted by the overall tasks of our lives. Don’t worry. There is always “tomorrow” or next year.

The other common element to resolution failure is burn out. It is comically predictable, but have you ever noticed the level of activity the first week of January? Go to any gym and you will see it packed. In fact, January 1st and 2nd are two of the busiest days in gym attendance. Weight loss groups, dating sites, financial planners, career advisors, and support groups all report high activity the first week of January.

Everyone wants to get in shape, lose weight, meet someone, get a better job, save money, quit smoking, quit drinking and more. So we start out the year no holds barred and go for it! Unfortunately the results we want don’t come as fast as our initial enthusiasm and when we don’t see quick changes we lose our motivation. As the weeks go by the crowds disappear and soon everything is back to normal activity levels as we all slip back into our routines. Then we stay there until another failed attempt next January. The result is that 2006 will be yet another year you failed to achieve the changes you wanted.

The New Year motivates us to start, but we need to develop a habit of successful behavior. As Jim Ryan put it, “Motivation is what gets us started. Habit is what keeps us going.”

You can develop success habits and remedy lack of or diminished motivation with a life coach technique called “ABC.”

A = Action. Start taking action today. We don’t achieve change through thinking about it, but by doing something.

B = Bite size. Reduce all your new activities to small daily actions. It truly is amazing how doing something small doesn’t overwhelm us and produces amazing results. When we take on too much we either don’t start or can’t keep it up. Work out 10 minutes a day; send out one resume a day, save a little money every day and the results will materialize over time.

C = Consistency. Through the accumulation of small actions, we get big results. Do your bite size action activities daily!

We all want big changes, but literally think about the change in your pocket. We have all taken our daily change and placed it in a container of some sort. Before long, that pile of nickels and dimes had grown to several dollars. If you want to produce real changes, concentrate on the ABC Success Habits. Get into action today with small bite size activities consistently and before you know it, you’ll be going to the bank at the end of 2006 with a sizable deposit of results.

About Tools To Life Developed by Life Coach Devlyn Steele, Tools To Life is a revolution in self- development, a 77-day program in which thousands have implemented successful changes in their lives. Devlyn Steele is a public consultant, a private counselor, a radio host and an author. He has hosted his own radio show called "Tools To Life" and has been a guest on over 150 various shows. For more information, visit: http://www.lifecoachadvice.com/

"The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can."

-Margo Kaufman

Things sure have gotten complicated in dating. Changing gender roles often leave us confused about how we should interact as men and women in our relationships. How can a woman be strong, educated and independent yet remain feminine? How can a man be sensitive and understanding while maintaining a strong sense of his own masculinity?

We are so confused in today’s culture about the roles men and women should play that it has taken much of the fun out of dating. It seems that the ideas of old fashioned dating have been lost. We see this exemplified in the younger generations where “hooking up” has all but replaced dating in most instances.

The truth is that there is a distinction between the actions and objectives of dating and the conditions of being independent, respected by your peers and having equal rights. Dating is still about the difference between the sexes. Even though women want to enjoy the empowerment of equal rights, most still want to be treated like a woman and pursued by a man. Shifting gender roles have lead many women to report that they feel unfulfilled in romance and dating as men have just become too passive.

Women, consider allowing yourself in dating to let the differences in these roles come alive. When polled, most men report that they enjoy taking a woman out and enjoy planning dates. Allow the man you are dating to be a man and show you who he is and allow yourself to be the woman you are and appreciate the differences.

Men, consider being more romantic. More and more women are affirming that even though they desire equality and to be listened to, they still want to be wanted and swept off their feet.

Romance doesn’t usually increase as a relationship progresses so if you don’t start with any, don’t expect it to magically appear later on. Our journey through unsuccessful relationships and dating disappointments has lead many of us to approach dating clinically and detached. The object of dating is to have fun and get to know someone to see if you want to continue dating and possibly develop a long-term relationship. We can choose to make dating more fun while we are searching. Be sexy, romantic and allow women to be women and men to be men.

Jessica Hanan in her book, ”Coping with Changing Roles for Young Men and Women” put it this way, “People now have more freedom to make choices for themselves and how they want to live their lives. Sometimes these choices can be confusing.”

I am not suggesting we go back to the days where a woman was only expected to look pretty and keep quiet, allowing the man to be everything. What I am saying is that dating can be fun again when a more traditional view of romance is applied. A man can respect and be interested in a woman and still be romantic.

Why stop half way when you can have it all? Develop everything in your life—your education, your career, your independence and your freedom of choice, thought and expression. Be treated with respect, courtesy and equality; then after you have all that, love being a woman and being treated with romance. As a man, enjoy being more romantic and strong. Then you really will have it all!

About Tools To Life Developed by Life Coach Devlyn Steele, Tools To Life is a revolution in self- development, a 77-day program in which thousands have implemented successful changes in their lives. Devlyn Steele is a public consultant, a private counselor, a radio host and an author. He has hosted his own radio show called "Tools To Life" and has been a guest on over 150 various shows. For more information, visit: http://www.lifecoachadvice.com/

Did you know that there is no real Thanksgiving? Before you get upset, the Pilgrims did celebrate Thanksgiving, but not as we think in the traditional sense of a specific day with Turkey and all.

The Pilgrims of Plymouth were strict Calvinist Protestants and did not believe in Christmas, Easter or Saints Day. They believed that these were man-made holidays and only celebrated what they found evidenced in the bible of days of celebration. This came down to three types of holidays, the Sunday Sabbath, Days of Fasting and Humiliation and Days of Thanksgiving and Praise.

Both Days of Fasting and Thanksgiving were not given fixed points on the calendar. These days were in response to the circumstances at large. When the days were unfavorable and there was not enough food to eat, failing crops, disease and unexplained deaths, a Day of Fasting was called for. Everyone went to church to ask for forgiveness and guidance, and then would partake in a modest meal. Conversely, a good harvest or the arrival of a supply ship would call for a day Of Thanksgiving. This would mean going to church to thank God, then celebrating with a festive meal.

In essence, there was no “First Thanksgiving,” merely many different days of celebration throughout each year. The pilgrims made it a practice to give thanks. Today, Thanksgiving has transformed from a religious celebration of thanks, to a secular, cultural event of thanks. We gather with our families, truly in spirit of thanks and appreciation for our lives. Often, however, we are not in touch with the essence of Thanksgiving and fail to stop and acknowledge our thanks.

This year before we feast, let’s take the time to share our thanks. This is not a religious exercise. This is an exercise of appreciation and recognition that by changing your thought patterns to the positive you can accomplish anything!

So enjoy this holiday and join with family and friends and strangers alike and participate in the real Thanksgiving, by giving thanks and sharing with each other.

Five Easy Steps to The Real Thanksgiving

Step One: Hold Hands

Don’t be shy; this is a simple process of connecting to each other.

Step Two: Be Silent

We are always in such a rush and miss so much as we do. Take ten seconds here and think about as a group all the things you are thankful for. The experience will be powerful.

Step Three: The Opening

Pick someone to start and begin with a simple statement.

“Thanksgiving a day of thanks and I would like to share three things that I am thankful for: 1._______ 2. ________ 3. _________.”

Step Four: Passing of thanks.

Each person then says to the group three things that he or she is thankful for.

Step five: Eat, Laugh and Enjoy!

I guarantee that taking this small amount of time will put you in touch with the real Thanksgiving, making it so much better and maybe one of your best.

About The Author - As a life coach, Devlyn has made helping people find ways to improve their lives his personal mission and passion. He is a public consultant, a private counselor, an author and creator of Tools To Life. He has hosted his own radio shows called "Tools To Life" and "Love beat" and has been a guest on over 150 various shows. You can read his articles and advice all over the internet. Devlyn has often been referred to as " America 's Leading Life-Coach." For more information visit DevlynSteele.com or LifeCoachAdvice.com Send Questions To: CoachSteele@ToolsToLife.com.

As we rush through our lives to unknown places, we forget many of the things that bring value to our lives. With how many friends have you lost touch? When was the last time you appreciated the people in your life and told them?

In today’s world with phones, cell phones, Instant messaging and email, we are so in touch that we are out of touch. Communication is so high-speed that it can speed right by us. There’s a huge difference between getting an email and getting a card. When you take the time to go to a card shop, pick a card, write something in it and mail it, you are really showing someone that he or she counts. It wasn’t easy nor was it quick; it showed you cared. It’s also amazing.

There’s something special about getting a card in the mail. It’s like a surprise that took time to arrive. The value seems to grow as it travels through the mail system. Through rain, snow or sleet there are people working to get you that card. A whole system and country seems to be behind the card getting to you, all the way back to the days of the old west, when the pony express raced across the countryside, risking life and safety to bring you that card.

Yes, a card is special, and at this time of Thanksgiving we should slow down and decide to really be thankful for those who bring meaning to our lives. This Thanksgiving, let’s think about the people whom we are thankful for and let them know. Take the time and go card shopping. Buy as many cards as you can think of people to whom you should send them, even to people you know only casually for it would be fun to brighten their day. Then, actually add to the card by writing something yourself. Don’t create pressure on yourself, it as easy as just saying, “I wanted you to know this Thanksgiving how thankful I am that you are part of my life.”

Even if you are married or live with someone, mail them a card. It will really mean something when it comes through the mail, and to the person in your life when they get it. Don’t tell people you sent them a card. Let it be a surprise and enjoy the impact. They will know that they are important, and they will feel special, and you will feel good about it. As John Donne put it, “Sir, more than kisses, letters mingle souls. For thus friends absent speak.”

At the end of the day, it’s not what we have but whom we have to share life with that counts. So let’s be thankful about the people in our lives with Thanksgiving mail.

About The Author - As a life coach, Devlyn has made helping people find ways to improve their lives his personal mission and passion. He is a public consultant, a private counselor, an author and creator of Tools To Life. He has hosted his own radio shows called "Tools To Life" and "Love beat" and has been a guest on over 150 various shows. You can read his articles and advice all over the internet. Devlyn has often been referred to as " America 's Leading Life-Coach." For more information visit DevlynSteele.com or LifeCoachAdvice.com Send Questions To: CoachSteele@ToolsToLife.com.

You can change your life by simple changing the seat that you look at your life from. Thanksgiving taught me this as a child.

Growing up in Manhattan was an obstacle course of speed, traffic, hustle and bustle. It was an exciting place with tons of energy. The abundance of energy pointed in a billion different directions and you could often feel alone in your individual pursuits.

Then came the magical time of Thanksgiving where the city transformed.

As the days grew closer the excitement could be felt in the air. People seemed warmer, nicer, and though the pace remained fast, it seemed to slow down. The stranger smiled as he pushed you out of his way. The cabby honked at you but left out the crass comment, and you knew things were different.

Walking down Central Park , No Parking Wednesday and Thursday signs were posted about and the benches and barricades were dropped off in piles along the sidewalk. The cold air was just starting to find its way in and the city smelt fresh and clean.

Then came Wednesday and it seemed that everyone was on the same mission. The energy, instead of being pointed in a billion different directions, had a common purpose. You felt a connection, a bond, as everyone did smile and the pushes and shoves changed to helping hands. The smiles were everywhere and everyone wished you well on your holidays. You couldn’t help but feel excited and happy.

The city changed into a town. It felt like Anywhere, U.S.A. where you knew everyone and everyone knew you. Living on the Upper West Side , Wednesday night was a special time when the parade balloons were blown up all night along side the Museum of Natural History . Traffic was gone and the people took to the streets. The shops sold hot apple cider with cinnamon sticks and you would clasps your hands around the cup for warmth. Then you could get a peek at the magnificent balloons and everyone was one big family.

Early the next morning I’d be out walking the dog; Central Park would be empty and quite. In just a few hours millions would poor into the city as the nation gathered to see the magnificent Macy’s parade. But in those early morning hours the world felt completely at peace to me. I felt the goodness of the hearts of my neighbors and I felt safe.

Then the parade and crowds did roll through and it was a celebration like no other with children perched atop their parents’ shoulder clapping and gasping with amazement at the passing parade. We showed appreciation for all the high school bands from all over the country. Then we cheered for the all the familiar characters that brought us so many moments of laughter and joy.

After we celebrated as a city and as a nation, it was family time. Time to gather and sneak a few bites of stuffing before the long awaited meal was served. What a time to feel good and appreciate being with each other. A time to give thanks! It was a feeling I learned well and one that has always stayed with me.

The question I have for you is, what really changes during Thanksgiving? Did the people really change? Did the city really become a town? What was the event that changed?

When working with clients I often perform the following exercise. I ask them to move from chair to chair in my office and take a look at the room, finally retuning to the original position. Then I ask, “From each chair the room looked different, didn’t it?” The answer is always, “Yes.” Next I ask, “Did anything really physically change in the room?” The answer always being, “No.” The point being that nothing in life really has to change for you to enjoy it, other than the point of view you choose to take. What chair do you want to look at your life from, the chair of have nots and disappointment, or the chair of opportunities, appreciation and gratitude?

Change your point of view and you change your life. What changed the city into a town was everyone taking on the same point of view. When large groups take on the same point of view, whether negative or positive, you feel the common energy. What transforms Thanksgiving is the abundance of positive energy and you can feel it in your bones.

It is time for all of us to change our attitudes!

Did you know that the Macy’s parade was not started by Macy’s? The employees of Macy’s were once made up mostly of immigrants who were truly appreciative of their lives and opportunities here in the United States . All from different backgrounds, countries and religions, they gathered at 125 th Street dressed as clowns and other costumes carrying balloons. They marched in celebration and gratitude to Macy’s on 34 th Street . 250,000 people came out to watch them and be part of the celebration of life itself.

It was such a success that Macy’s fully got behind it the following year and it has been part of our tradition ever since. That was back in 1927. It’s amazing how we can affect the world with our individual initiative and actions. Yes, you can also affect your life with the actions you take. We do not need a specific holiday such as Thanksgiving to be positive and come together. The Pilgrims did so whenever the occasion called for it.

We are here and living freely as we do so tell yourself every day, “I’m having a great day!” That means “I want to do my best everyday and look at life from the chair of opportunities and appreciation!”

 “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.’ - Cicero

Change the seat you look at your life this Thanksgiving. It’s simple; get up and sit in a different chair and think about all the blessings and opportunities you have in your life and be thankful.

About The Author - As a life coach, Devlyn has made helping people find ways to improve their lives his personal mission and passion. He is a public consultant, a private counselor, an author and creator of Tools To Life. He has hosted his own radio shows called "Tools To Life" and "Love beat" and has been a guest on over 150 various shows. You can read his articles and advice all over the internet. Devlyn has often been referred to as " America 's Leading Life-Coach." For more information visit DevlynSteele.com or LifeCoachAdvice.com Send Questions To: CoachSteele@ToolsToLife.com.

I hope you'll bear with me, because this is one of the most emotional and exhausting letters I've written to you in some time, but it's message is so important I couldn't wait.

I got this email the other day, and I thought it warranted some attention and observation, because I think it indicates one of - if not THE most challenging obstacles to a man's growth with women.

Please read his letter first, and then I'll comment: Hey Carlos, I have been beating myself up over a situation recently at work. Well, I have been working with this girl from my job for about 3 months now, and I have been busting her balls consistently and not taking any of her sh*t. She has been interested in me for the longest time, and has showed the most interest the past several days than any other time before

(I have heard from friends that she wishes I would ask her out and she is in love with me and all that).

I feel as if she has waited so long for me to express interest back that since I havent expressed interest after those several days that I feel like its over.

I just cant seem to get up the courage to ask her to come join me for some fun or even her number (fear of progressing)! Today, I came back from work beating myself up for not progressing.

I am pissed off Carlos, can you please help me out man?

-------- CARLOS:

Okay, so what I hear is something that I think a LOT of guys can relate to.

Let's start first by putting this in perspective. You're doing really good work just by busting her chops and teasing her the right way.

Most guys won't go this far in fear of "scaring her off" or "offending her." They don't realize that what women want most is a guy that can come from a place of power.

Some guys out there call this a "dominant frame."

Whatever. You don't need terminology. You need a solution.

After you've managed to tease her a little and get a little cocky... what then?

You've gotten her interested and VERY attracted to you, which is the goal most guys dream about.

But how do you continue? How do you keep going from here?

This has to be one of the biggest stumbling blocks a guy can run into. It's caused by something so simple, yet so unbelievably powerful, you can understand why some guys never break free of its stranglehold.

There are two things going on here that will cripple your ability to progress:

1) You are afraid of failure.

2) You are afraid of success.

Whoah.

That's a pretty big revelation.

I'm going to reveal one of the biggest motivational secrets here, and if you can unlock this psychological mechanism correctly, you're going to see a very new landscape in front of you.

Most guys run around with this dual fear of success and failure pressing on them from both sides. It's a potent one, and inescapable if you cannot see it for what it is.

It's like someone holding up a coin and saying to you as they flip it: "Heads I win, tails you lose!"

How much would you bet on that toss?

Of COURSE it's hard to move forward when you're going to lose both ways (in your head, anyway.) You won't even play the game.

Yet that's what countless guys are doing day after day when they find themselves confronted with the situation that this reader is experiencing.

First of all, most guys fear putting themselves up for judgment in front of a woman.

This is commonly called the "approach." Those do-or-die 60 seconds of sheer terror where most guys find that running naked through a minefield in downtown Baghdad is preferable to walking up to a woman and saying "hello."

They fear that if the woman is not interested in them, this translates into their worth as a man. Most guys put a lot of stock in what women think of them, so the thought of getting turned down after you put your ego out there on the line is more than most can bear.

We fear being turned down when our self-confidence is not strong enough to handle this kind of rejection.

Geez, even this guy can't move forward when he KNOWS she wants him! And I'm not belittling his experience ONE BIT because I've BEEN THERE. I know what it's like to sit in that torture of knowing you HAVE to act, but you just can't find a way to DO IT.

Now, the second kind of fear is the one that his letter references directly:

The Fear of Success.

When you can overcome your fear of taking action because of possible rejection, most guys then fall victim to the next fear of - WHAT THE HECK DO I DO NOW?

What if - gasp - I get what I WANT?

The other side of your self-esteem now shows itself as you have to DELIVER on those clever cocky and funny lines you were using to get her all excited and attracted.

What we want to know is, even if we get past the fear of talking to a woman and getting things started, what happens in that incredibly uncertain place after?

Because then you're going to be on the stage in front of her. You'll have to really show yourself to her and explore this unknown and uncharted land called "Move Forward."

Uh-oh. Now what?

Not many people would believe you if you told them that most of the guys out there have a BIG fear of success. It's actually one of the strongest forces holding so many creative and capable people away from their dreams.

This is what you are seeing when someone you know who has REAL talent refuses to show it to others or they won't go after their dream.

"I'm too old to start writing that book..."

"I'd like to play in a band, but I've got responsibilities at home..."

"I'd like to finish that degree, but I'm doing fine right now without it. Besides, I don't have any time..."

"I'd like to go talk to her, but she's probably a bitch anyway...." or "I'd like to talk to her, but she's not really my type..."

This

is

bullsh-t.

Let's face facts and call it what it is.

B.S.

A self-lie.

We tell ourselves what we can to avoid CHANGE and avoid the possible disruption that this change might cause, and then we rationalize it by telling stories to make ourselves feel better.

And then that fear of success turns into a fear of the NEXT rejection or failure.

Wow, what a vicious circle. Let's break out of it.

Stop listening to the Loserboy in your head. He's the voice of a thousand IMAGINED scenarios that never came to pass.

"It's easier not to go after your big dreams, isn't it?" Loserboy whispers in the back of your head in a silky smooth voice. "You don't want to have to deal with all the headaches of that, do you? It's easier when you're one of the crowd. No one has big expectations, and you get to live your life without any hassles."

And without any adventure or glory, either. Or the woman of your dreams.

Do you want to know how I conquered this paralyzing fear?

I started by re-framing my experience as something COMPLETELY different.

I remembered the words of Helen Keller: "Life is a great adventure ... or nothing."

I really thought about that, and then I remembered this line I heard in a movie that finally kicked my butt off the couch and into gear:

"The dreams of youth are the regrets of maturity."

Whoah.

That's an eye-opener. Think about that one for a minute, please.

Then I went through a little mind exercise that I call the "Whammy." It goes like this:

I imagined myself as an old man sitting in my wheelchair in the old folks home. I really imagined this scene so vividly I could even smell the disinfectant they used on the gray linoleum tile of the hallway as I rolled along to the TV room where I could eat my daily cup of pudding.

And I sat there looking back on my life, wondering if there was anything I had done that I regretted.

Nope.

But I sure regretted a lot of things I DIDN'T do. I could feel that horrible sinking sensation in my gut when I thought about all the opportunities I passed up, mostly because of fear. What I wouldn't GIVE for a second chance to go back and do it again ...

POOF!

Here I am. I got my wish! Now I CAN go do them before it's too late.

Now, in reality, I have no intention of spending my last days looking back like that, but it could turn out this way. I might not get the opportunity to save the planet by blowing up an asteroid or something, or die in glorious combat in the Coliseum. I might end up in a "retirement community" somewhere. So be it. I just don't want to give up living life, or have to settle for living on old memories of what was.

And when the end draws near, I don't want to look back on a long list of things I COULD have done but talked myself out of.

I had to change the meaning of these events in such a DRASTIC and RADICAL way that I found the motivation to ACT. It literally had to be such a POWERFUL experience that I would not be able to look back again and continue the same path.

I had to act NOW.

Whatever your Whammy is, you must find it. Even if that means you strap electrodes to your balls and administer shocks until you do what you must. (Although, you may want to try a few other things first.)

You want the most brutal Whammy of all?

Go visit the oncology (cancer) ward of a major hospital. Talk to the terminally ill patients. Get a little perspective on what they think of your problem with women.

In fact, everything in life can be reviewed like this: Is this something I would feel stupid telling to someone that's dying?

If so, then it's pretty Small Stuff, amigo.

But, when the day-to-day gets hold of us again, we tend to fall back into the same routine. We forget what motivated us. We can't run around every day with the fear of our own mortality in our mind to push us ...

... until the next time when you're presented with something you know you WANT to do, but you can't seem to find the power or courage to DO.

The best way to live your life the way you want is to BECOME the man you want. So that you feel that this kind of success is not only something you can HAVE, but that you DESERVE. Your sense of self-esteem will only allow you to go so far before it will start to pull the rug out from under you.

You are what you emotionally think about all day long.

And I'd like to show you how to re-create that mental/emotional image of yourself - the way to turn your life in the direction that YOU want. I've got a program that will put you on the path to becoming that Man, with other exercises and ACTION plans like this one.

In the Secrets of the Alpha Man, I cover how to understand your self-image so completely that this sort of fear limitation will not trap you again. It's really had a life-changing effect on a lot of guys, and I want to share it with you.

In fact, this program is everything I used to get myself where I wanted to be, and now I want to pass it on to you.

Have a look at it here:

http://www.alphaseduction.com

Confidence with women; confidence with LIFE.

I'll be back with more advice soon ...

- Carlos

PS: Remember what I said above? That it's easy to let the day-to-day get back in your head and distract you from the important things in life? You might close this email and put it in a folder, maybe even promising yourself you'll do something about it ... soon.

Don't give yourself an out. Don't let this moment turn into another where you didn't go after what you wanted from life. Do it NOW.

"The dreams of youth are the regrets of maturity."

http://www.alphaseduction.com

=============================

I hope you'll bear with me, because this is one of the most emotional and exhausting letters I've written to you in some time, but it's message is so important I couldn't wait.

I got this email the other day, and I thought it warranted some attention and observation, because I think it indicates one of - if not THE most challenging obstacles to a man's growth with women.

Please read his letter first, and then I'll comment: Hey Carlos, I have been beating myself up over a situation recently at work. Well, I have been working with this girl from my job for about 3 months now, and I have been busting her balls consistently and not taking any of her sh*t. She has been interested in me for the longest time, and has showed the most interest the past several days than any other time before

(I have heard from friends that she wishes I would ask her out and she is in love with me and all that).

I feel as if she has waited so long for me to express interest back that since I havent expressed interest after those several days that I feel like its over.

I just cant seem to get up the courage to ask her to come join me for some fun or even her number (fear of progressing)! Today, I came back from work beating myself up for not progressing.

I am pissed off Carlos, can you please help me out man?

-------- CARLOS:

Okay, so what I hear is something that I think a LOT of guys can relate to.

Let's start first by putting this in perspective. You're doing really good work just by busting her chops and teasing her the right way.

Most guys won't go this far in fear of "scaring her off" or "offending her." They don't realize that what women want most is a guy that can come from a place of power.

Some guys out there call this a "dominant frame."

Whatever. You don't need terminology. You need a solution.

After you've managed to tease her a little and get a little cocky... what then?

You've gotten her interested and VERY attracted to you, which is the goal most guys dream about.

But how do you continue? How do you keep going from here?

This has to be one of the biggest stumbling blocks a guy can run into. It's caused by something so simple, yet so unbelievably powerful, you can understand why some guys never break free of its stranglehold.

There are two things going on here that will cripple your ability to progress:

1) You are afraid of failure.

2) You are afraid of success.

Whoah.

That's a pretty big revelation.

I'm going to reveal one of the biggest motivational secrets here, and if you can unlock this psychological mechanism correctly, you're going to see a very new landscape in front of you.

Most guys run around with this dual fear of success and failure pressing on them from both sides. It's a potent one, and inescapable if you cannot see it for what it is.

It's like someone holding up a coin and saying to you as they flip it: "Heads I win, tails you lose!"

How much would you bet on that toss?

Of COURSE it's hard to move forward when you're going to lose both ways (in your head, anyway.) You won't even play the game.

Yet that's what countless guys are doing day after day when they find themselves confronted with the situation that this reader is experiencing.

First of all, most guys fear putting themselves up for judgment in front of a woman.

This is commonly called the "approach." Those do-or-die 60 seconds of sheer terror where most guys find that running naked through a minefield in downtown Baghdad is preferable to walking up to a woman and saying "hello."

They fear that if the woman is not interested in them, this translates into their worth as a man. Most guys put a lot of stock in what women think of them, so the thought of getting turned down after you put your ego out there on the line is more than most can bear.

We fear being turned down when our self-confidence is not strong enough to handle this kind of rejection.

Geez, even this guy can't move forward when he KNOWS she wants him! And I'm not belittling his experience ONE BIT because I've BEEN THERE. I know what it's like to sit in that torture of knowing you HAVE to act, but you just can't find a way to DO IT.

Now, the second kind of fear is the one that his letter references directly:

The Fear of Success.

When you can overcome your fear of taking action because of possible rejection, most guys then fall victim to the next fear of - WHAT THE HECK DO I DO NOW?

What if - gasp - I get what I WANT?

The other side of your self-esteem now shows itself as you have to DELIVER on those clever cocky and funny lines you were using to get her all excited and attracted.

What we want to know is, even if we get past the fear of talking to a woman and getting things started, what happens in that incredibly uncertain place after?

Because then you're going to be on the stage in front of her. You'll have to really show yourself to her and explore this unknown and uncharted land called "Move Forward."

Uh-oh. Now what?

Not many people would believe you if you told them that most of the guys out there have a BIG fear of success. It's actually one of the strongest forces holding so many creative and capable people away from their dreams.

This is what you are seeing when someone you know who has REAL talent refuses to show it to others or they won't go after their dream.

"I'm too old to start writing that book..."

"I'd like to play in a band, but I've got responsibilities at home..."

"I'd like to finish that degree, but I'm doing fine right now without it. Besides, I don't have any time..."

"I'd like to go talk to her, but she's probably a bitch anyway...." or "I'd like to talk to her, but she's not really my type..."

This

is

bullsh-t.

Let's face facts and call it what it is.

B.S.

A self-lie.

We tell ourselves what we can to avoid CHANGE and avoid the possible disruption that this change might cause, and then we rationalize it by telling stories to make ourselves feel better.

And then that fear of success turns into a fear of the NEXT rejection or failure.

Wow, what a vicious circle. Let's break out of it.

Stop listening to the Loserboy in your head. He's the voice of a thousand IMAGINED scenarios that never came to pass.

"It's easier not to go after your big dreams, isn't it?" Loserboy whispers in the back of your head in a silky smooth voice. "You don't want to have to deal with all the headaches of that, do you? It's easier when you're one of the crowd. No one has big expectations, and you get to live your life without any hassles."

And without any adventure or glory, either. Or the woman of your dreams.

Do you want to know how I conquered this paralyzing fear?

I started by re-framing my experience as something COMPLETELY different.

I remembered the words of Helen Keller: "Life is a great adventure ... or nothing."

I really thought about that, and then I remembered this line I heard in a movie that finally kicked my butt off the couch and into gear:

"The dreams of youth are the regrets of maturity."

Whoah.

That's an eye-opener. Think about that one for a minute, please.

Then I went through a little mind exercise that I call the "Whammy." It goes like this:

I imagined myself as an old man sitting in my wheelchair in the old folks home. I really imagined this scene so vividly I could even smell the disinfectant they used on the gray linoleum tile of the hallway as I rolled along to the TV room where I could eat my daily cup of pudding.

And I sat there looking back on my life, wondering if there was anything I had done that I regretted.

Nope.

But I sure regretted a lot of things I DIDN'T do. I could feel that horrible sinking sensation in my gut when I thought about all the opportunities I passed up, mostly because of fear. What I wouldn't GIVE for a second chance to go back and do it again ...

POOF!

Here I am. I got my wish! Now I CAN go do them before it's too late.

Now, in reality, I have no intention of spending my last days looking back like that, but it could turn out this way. I might not get the opportunity to save the planet by blowing up an asteroid or something, or die in glorious combat in the Coliseum. I might end up in a "retirement community" somewhere. So be it. I just don't want to give up living life, or have to settle for living on old memories of what was.

And when the end draws near, I don't want to look back on a long list of things I COULD have done but talked myself out of.

I had to change the meaning of these events in such a DRASTIC and RADICAL way that I found the motivation to ACT. It literally had to be such a POWERFUL experience that I would not be able to look back again and continue the same path.

I had to act NOW.

Whatever your Whammy is, you must find it. Even if that means you strap electrodes to your balls and administer shocks until you do what you must. (Although, you may want to try a few other things first.)

You want the most brutal Whammy of all?

Go visit the oncology (cancer) ward of a major hospital. Talk to the terminally ill patients. Get a little perspective on what they think of your problem with women.

In fact, everything in life can be reviewed like this: Is this something I would feel stupid telling to someone that's dying?

If so, then it's pretty Small Stuff, amigo.

But, when the day-to-day gets hold of us again, we tend to fall back into the same routine. We forget what motivated us. We can't run around every day with the fear of our own mortality in our mind to push us ...

... until the next time when you're presented with something you know you WANT to do, but you can't seem to find the power or courage to DO.

The best way to live your life the way you want is to BECOME the man you want. So that you feel that this kind of success is not only something you can HAVE, but that you DESERVE. Your sense of self-esteem will only allow you to go so far before it will start to pull the rug out from under you.

You are what you emotionally think about all day long.

And I'd like to show you how to re-create that mental/emotional image of yourself - the way to turn your life in the direction that YOU want. I've got a program that will put you on the path to becoming that Man, with other exercises and ACTION plans like this one.

In the Secrets of the Alpha Man, I cover how to understand your self-image so completely that this sort of fear limitation will not trap you again. It's really had a life-changing effect on a lot of guys, and I want to share it with you.

In fact, this program is everything I used to get myself where I wanted to be, and now I want to pass it on to you.

Have a look at it here:

http://www.alphaseduction.com

Confidence with women; confidence with LIFE.

I'll be back with more advice soon ...

- Carlos

PS: Remember what I said above? That it's easy to let the day-to-day get back in your head and distract you from the important things in life? You might close this email and put it in a folder, maybe even promising yourself you'll do something about it ... soon.

Don't give yourself an out. Don't let this moment turn into another where you didn't go after what you wanted from life. Do it NOW.

"The dreams of youth are the regrets of maturity."

http://www.alphaseduction.com

=============================

First - Learn the Truth About These Myths!

How Often Do You Find Yourself Saying: "I Wish I Knew How To attract the ladies and get more dates"?

If you're like most of the guys I know, it's often. More often than you want to admit.

We go out on "dates" with women, hoping that if we PROVE ourselves to them in some way, they'll be interested in us and attracted to us.

And time after time that just never happens. The date ends with a hug or a quick peck on the cheek, as she tells you, "I had a real nice time."

If you've been put on the defense in this dance of romance, you can never really stop worrying, and your attitude will communicate things to a woman that will ultimately drive her away.

What I want to do is take a few minutes here and destroy some myths about women and men and get you started on the right path.

Let's start right away with:

MYTH 1) Women want what they say they want.

It's a shame we have to cover this one, but it bears repeating. All you have to do is see the apparent contradiction between what women SAY and what they DO and you'll understand that they are not the same.

Women have an ideal picture of "romance" programmed into their heads as little girls, primarily from bad fairy tales they read. Then they moved up to the "bodice ripping" romance books. Yes, those cheezy ones you see on bookstore shelves.

Women (and men) don't understand that they respond to definite behaviors much more than others, and they are behaviors that conform to simple rules. They'd be ashamed to admit them, but they are true.

And the good news for guys is that they can be learned. They're part of you already; you just have to learn how to demonstrate them.

MYTH 2) Women are hard to understand.

This is a gross example of laziness . Women are extremely EASY to understand. The reason most guys say those cliche phrases like: "Women! Who can understand them." Or other jokes to that effect is because men don't think the way women do about certain things. They think emotionally, while you think LOGICALLY.

All it takes is for you to learn how to understand their way of thinking to understand them. You don't have to BE a pet hamster to understand that he just loves chewing and running on that wheel in his cage. So you give him things to chew on, and give him a nice wheel.

Ba-da-bing. You just made Mr. Hamster happy.

But when it comes to women, guys want them to behave and think like GUYS. And when they discover that they don't, they get all mad about it instead of learning how women actually think.

Ask yourself this: Are you mad at the weather when it rains? Or do you just figure out how an umbrella works so you can stay dry?

One you can control, the other you can't.

One belief will leave you CONSTANTLY frustrated and angry. The other will put you back in control. Remember: It's not what happens to you that's important, it's how you RESPOND to what happens to you.

MYTH 3) Right this minute you have all the skills you ever will with women. (Or, you can't improve your skills beyond where you are right now.)

This one is the belief that follows right after the last myth. Men give up trying to figure out why a woman behaved a certain way, figuring that it's easier to just run around saying, "Women! Who understands them?" Just like everybody else.

Who could blame us for feeling this way? Guys want a very UNcomplicated lifestyle. We don't like hassles and drama. (Whereas women seem to feed off this energy.)

The truth is that your skill with women can ONLY increase from here, unless you're in a rock band or you're a gorgeous movie star where women are handed to you on a plate.

But make no mistakes - you don't have to be a rock singer or a movie star to get women interested in you.

All it takes is getting the right information to put you on the right track.

MYTH 4) Women who are attractive are more important and their opinion means more than regular women.

Now, before you take that the wrong way, let me clarify. A guy will tend to treat a good-looking women as if she is a precious commodity, and that she is more valuable than himself.

We live in a society (and a world) that is completely hung up on appearances. We love beauty.

We actually WORSHIP it.

Look at the covers of magazines. Look at actors on television and in the movies. Look at our pop music stars. (Interesting that there are no 'average' looking people making good music, huh?)

We pay billions and billions of dollars on our vanity. Hair coloring, makeup, cosmetics, you-name-it.

There is a well-documented psychological fact that we tend to attribute more positive beliefs and attitudes to people who are attractive. We respect them more. We tend to believe that they are more talented and capable because of their appearance.

"Average" people don't get the same kind of favorable treatment.

As we all know, you can't judge a book by its cover.

Remember that hot women are no different than any other woman, other than the fact that she lucked out in the genetic lottery.

She's probably been spoiled and unchallenged her whole life because of her looks, which actually makes her EASIER to get than most other women.

MYTH 5) You need to convince, beg, or trick women into getting them to sleep with you.

Oh, dear. This one is where so many good guys go wrong.

Women want to do the nasty just as much as guys do. In fact, they get even more pleasure than we do, so they enjoy it more.

The only difference is that women have better control over their desire than guys do. This stems from a time when women had to be VERY careful who she mated with, because she had to be sure she knew he was worth gambling her children's future - and her own - with. If he couldn't provide for her, she'd be in an incredibly difficult position.

Probably even fatal.

So she had to choose well. She learned how to read a guy's status and standing by his actions. (Never his words. Anyone can SAY anything.)

The good news to this evolutionary programming is that it's not hard to understand, and it's easy to see through the Matrix and understand how to make it work FOR you. All you have to do is bring out certain behaviors you've been hiding for so long.

MYTH 6) You have to be rich, famous, a jerk, or good looking to attract hot women - OR - You can't be a nice guy and get women.

NOT!

Women aren't actually attracted to jerks because of their abusive behavior. Or to famous people because of their fame. Or rich guys because of their wealth.

They're attracted to the potential feelings that these guys can give them.

Jerks give her a CHALLENGE.

Fame is attractive because of the POWER.

Wealth is attractive because of the SECURITY, COMFORT, and POWER.

And all of them are really just indicators about the guy that wields them.

It's easy to assume because a guy is wealthy, he can keep her in a way that she would find comfortable.

It's easy to assume that because a guy has fame, he also has the wealth. And he wouldn't be famous unless a large number of people MADE him popular, right? This is called "social proof," which I cover in my e-books and audio.

Again, the good news is that these are external indicators that you can simulate with your own behavior.

You don't have to be rich or famous - or a jerk - to get the women you want.

MYTH 7) Women are better than men.

This one is a lot like #4. A lot of guys run around with the idea that what the media tells you about men is true.

- That we're dogs - That we're only out for s*e -x - That we're the rapists, pedophiles, and violent offenders - That we start all the wars - That we are just a bunch of grunting animals who only love football and porn - That we're just plain BAD.

Watch any of today's movies or television shows and they portray men as buffoons that can only understand "Three Stooges" episodes, or lounge around on our front lawns in wife-beater t-shirts on "Cops."

Women have more than their fair share of problems and issues, and if you've dated a woman for longer than a few weeks or months, you know I'm telling the truth here. Don't get me wrong; they're the most wonderful and complicated creatures, but they're not BETTER than men.

They're just women. And they can be understood.

MYTH 8) The more you tell her about you or about how you feel about her, the better your chances to impress her and make her want you.

This one is COMPLETELY the opposite. The more you tell her, the LESS she will feel for you. Especially if it's about YOUR feelings.

A lot of guys think that if they just tell her how HE feels, she'll suddenly discover the love within her for him.

Again, another Hollywood lie that is perpetuated because guys don't take the time to really sit down and think this through.

What is the most important thing to a woman?

HOW SHE FEELS.

If you can make her FEEL the right mixture of curiosity, excitement, and hope, you can get her interested in you.

I'll show you how to do that.

MYTH 9) Guys must "ask women out" on dates because it's what women want.

The single most routine and ordinary (BORING) thing to do is ask a woman out.

You have to have more imagination than this. This is the oldest routine, and all women know how it works. By asking a woman out, you force her to think of you in romantic terms.

It's like you just asked her:

"Do you like me romantically, or don't you? Or would you just like a free meal and drinks, on me?"

Golly. What a choice, studpuppet.

You should never invest money in a woman that isn't ALREADY interested in you.

That's like giving money to an investment that you know NOTHING about. You just saw the advertising pamphlet and it looked really good, so you bought into it.

I've got a bunch of ways for you to find out if she is really into you or not.

MYTH 10) Since I'm a "nice guy," I should be what women want, and therefore I should be getting laid.

Nope.

Sorry.

Negative.

This one belief will probably cripple you for life, as well as turning you into a bitter, angry man.

There are more myths about women and seduction than you would believe. They're misconceptions that have been pumped into you by years of bad advice, well-meaning friends, and our media and Hollywood programming.

You owe it to yourself to find out what women are REALLY thinking, and what you can change to start GETTING RESULTS with them.

There's no way I'd claim that I can give you five words that will make her instantly tear your clothes off ... because THEY DON'T EXIST. What you CAN do, however, that is REAL, is to start showing her a different side of you. And that's what this program can do for you.

So Here's The Truth About How To Attract the Women You Want:

GIVE ME 30 DAYS.

That's all I ask of you. Take 30 days to read, absorb, and USE the insider secrets I have collected in my e-book to get you more dates, and more of the women you want.

In 30 days, I can have you getting more girls in your life than you've had in the last couple years. All it takes is your willingness to learn and improve yourself.

You see, a lot of guys are trying to be somebody they're not. They're buying women dinners and drinks and flowers, pretending they're "playing the game" with women, because that's all they ever knew about. This "game" relies on them paying for women's attention instead of attracting them with the REAL parts of their personality.

Let's be real here. No man WANTS to "play games" when it comes to dating and seduction.

We don't want to buy drinks and spend money recklessly. We don't want to have to learn a complicated hypnosis pattern. We don't want to bow down and supplicate to women, giving up all our power, just for a little action now and then.

We just want to be OURSELVES.

And being yourself really just means you have to return to the kind of behaviors that men - ALPHA men - naturally have.

Are You Serious About Wanting To Attract the Gorgeous Women and Get More Dates?

Here's How To Get This Special Ebook, along with some bonus reports ...

Just go to the link below to download The Dating Black Book right away. Get started on the path to success with woman right now.

http://www.datingdynamics.com/ebookstore.htm

- Carlos
=============================

There are a lot of guys out there sending conflicting information regarding what it is and isn't to be "Alpha."

As in "Alpha Man" or "Alpha Male."

Let's start right off by saying that "Alpha" behavior is NOT bad.

It is NOT what you see animals doing in their nasty time in the zoo.

It's NOT attacking a tribe and killing all the young, or any weird stuff like that.

Look, "Alpha" just means the dominant male (and sometimes the female) in a group.

It's the one that is most likely to procreate and get its genes into the next round of the "Keep the species alive" game.

So it really does make sense to get successful with women if you think about it like this. If you don't find a woman to mate with and create little teeny versions of you, then it all ends with you.

Do you deserve to have your genetic legacy carried on into the next generation? I hope so. And more importantly, I hope you believe so.

So don't listen to a lot of this garbage and double speak out there regarding "Alpha Men" and what they should or should not be.

Here are a few things an Alpha IS:

- Clever/smart/cunning - Ambitious - Excited - Honorable - Dominant (not aggressive, but demonstrating superior social skills) - Stable - Fit (healthy lifestyle) - Curious - Balanced - Natural

Now those are the things that make up a good lifestyle. In my e-book set "Secrets of the Alpha Man" I cover these, as well as the real-life exercises required to succeed in life.

Here are a few things an Alpha is NOT:

- Aggressive - Angry at women - Verbally abusive - Arrogant - Obnoxious

There seems to be some confusion (and most of it is created by other guys hoping to cash in on your confusion) about what it means to be a STRONG and persuasive man in today's society.

I'm not even going to throw you more of that evolutionary stuff because it really doesn't matter. When you think about it, it just makes sense that we want people who appear or demonstrate more social value than us. It's because we naturally want to latch on to their power.

Again, it all comes back to power.

So being an "Alpha" doesn't mean you're dragging women back to a cave.

Or that you're being an aggressive, pushy jerk.

Or that you're being forceful and mean.

Or that you're inconsiderate.

Or that you're acting like a brutish animal.

It means that you understand the basic primal reasons a woman is attracted to a man, and you're not afraid to BE a man.

Not a cardboard, one-dimensional wimp that's afraid to let women know he desires them.

You see, there are only two motivating forces in life:

Desire

and

Fear.

That's it. We are motivated purely by what we feel we WANT, and what we feel we most want to avoid.

Fear is a stronger motivator for humans because it helped us survive potentially life-threatening situations. You're smart to fear wild animals, or large trains heading toward you. You can't afford the luxury of analysis in these situations. A delay could cost you your life.

On the other hand, in our modern society, there isn't much you need to fear. In fact, we fear too much already.

And the fear that is most crippling is the fear of LOSS.

Everyone's favorite short green dude, Yoda, even said it in the latest Star Wars flick...

"Fear of loss leads to the dark side."

And so it does. It leads you down a path where you never gain because you're too afraid of losing what you have.

An Alpha Man understands that the only way to live is to wake up each day and understand that everything you have was just given back to you today. And when he goes to sleep at night, he gives it all back.

Lose this attraction to your possessions before they possess you...

Whoah, I'm getting very philosophical here.

What I'm trying to get across to you here is that you should avoid becoming attached, even to TERMINOLOGY.

When someone tells you that being an Alpha is bad, or it's this and that, remember that they're trying to color your perception. They're trying to steer you away from a path of understanding and enlightenment.

Trust your own intelligence to figure out what an Alpha Man REALLY is.

He's already inside of you. It just takes a little work to let this instinct out so that you can become the COMPLETE you.

There are a lot of guys out there who haven't been able to open themselves up to letting out this TRUE nature inside them. They hide it behind "Politically Correct" BS about not hurting other people's feelings, or being sensitive.

It's really a fear to let other people see the REAL you. The man that wants to achieve.

The man that wants women in his life.

The man that wants monetary success.

The man that wants power over the forces of life that seem to control him.

Forget about all this "Alpha" talk and just open your mind up to finding this part of you that isn't held back by fear, and is ready to reach out for understanding that could - and will - change your life for the better.

So on one hand we have the lowly AFC, or non-Alpha. He's a little insecure, possibly low self-esteem, but WANTS to grow and change.

On the other hand we have the Alpha, the confident and assertive man with healthy communication and self-esteem.

There is only one direction of growth here, and it's from the AFC to the Alpha.

What is the Alpha?

He's a MODEL.

He's the prodigal "seducer," if you will. The Model is an example that we can use to illustrate the best case scenario. The Ideal. (Kind of like how Michaelangelo's statue of David exemplifies the perfection of the human form.)

You see, the AFC can't make a quantum leap and BECOME the Alpha all at once. It's not that simple. He needs an idea of what this goal is that he's pursuing that gives him the result of "I'M SUCCESSFUL WITH WOMEN." The Alpha Model provides him with a framework - a picture to draw in his mind of the attitude he's after.

How does the AFC become the Alpha then?

By creating a PATH.

We, gentlemen, provide that Path of development - the inspiration, tactics, and practical field examples that this AFC can then use to pin on his mental framework of the Alpha Man. The Model becomes clearer in his mind the more he uses the tactics and strategies and gains understanding through their application.

Now, when he uses these techniques, he only needs to understand that by using them he is merely brushing in more of the mental picture of how he can achieve this state of Alpha Man.

Without tactics and strategies to use, he becomes the Wanderer, likely to fall into the pit of self-pity. He begins the path to the Dark Side ---> He starts to fall back on the path of passive easygoing Nice Guy. This false path is logical, after all, and nothing appeals more to a man's mind than logic. And so begins his downward spiral.

Think of it like this: Here's a guy that's going to school to be a carpenter. A teacher can teach him all the skills he needs to measure, cut wood, sand it right, plane it, read the grain, chisel and sculpt it, stain it, and so on. After several long years of study he will leave school with the basics, the principles, but he will not have made them his OWN until he practices woodwork for a while. He'll have to spend many years figuring out the Art after he's learned the Science. Once he makes good woodwork, he'll then get the confidence to try and do more unique things. It builds into what I call the Upward Spiral.

But without that schooling, that learning of the science, he will be lucky to get anything more than a hit-and-miss success rate. With much more miss than hit.

So our arguments over whether "direct" with one's personality or not are pretty moot. Most guys are going to do whatever they're going to do, and a lot of the time with little understanding, morals, or smarts. This is the guy that only presents this seduction material with the dry hope of scoring from a "system" or a "plan." I can't control that from happening. He's always out there lurking on the fringe. I hope that he'll wise up someday.

I'm only here for the intelligent guy who knows that his ego very often short-circuits his success, and it is only through self-development that we can get rid of the insecurity so that he can combine the Science with the Art. I teach the Path. The Path leads from the AFC from his state of despair and ignorance to the Alpha Man.

And the Art of Seduction is really nothing more than building the confidence and self-esteem to reveal his true personality, while understanding what REALLY does work to stimulate female attraction.

So how does the AFC build this confidence?

By trying these techniques in the real world and seeing what works.

It may sound like circular reasoning, but it's true. You can't learn confidence. You only gain it from shedding your insecure thinking - and that comes from taking action ... and you only take action when you've got enough confidence to take that risk of action once again.

The way to hop on this upward spiral is to have some Science to apply.

And then he gets to feel the reward of success deep down in his nervous system. This feeling is the fertilizer that grows his continued sense of confidence.

So the moral of this story, brothers, is that we provide the moving conveyer of information that feeds his upward spiral.

Only through repetition and practice - and courage to persist.

This is the Art of being the Alpha Man.

- Carlos Xuma http://www.datingdynamics.com http://www.alphaseduction.com http://www.seductionmethod.com

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True story: A few years back I was working with a client who had recently moved to Los Angeles . She was single, did not know many people in the big city, and felt a little lonely. I innocently suggested she give online dating a shot. It seemed like an easy and pressure-free way to meet people, and I had other clients who enjoyed their experience and were in good relationships as a result.

"What kind of desperate person do you think I am?!?" she snapped.

She apologized, but explained that she felt “weird” about online dating. This perked my curiosity, so later I asked some of my other clients if they ever tried it. Some only confessed after their faces turned three shades of crimson. Since I am a strong proponent of online dating, I dispel any stigma or embarrassment when I recommend it to my clients. This is what I tell them:

For many singles, life moves like Richard Petty around the Talladega Speedway. We change jobs every few years. We relocate more frequently. We cannot remember the last time we answered a phone with a cord. Even if time is not the issue, some single people cannot shake the feeling that everyone else is happy while they are always alone. We may look at online dating as an act of desperation, because “normal people don’t need something like that.”

The simple fact is that you are not weird if you use an online dating service. We only feel weird when we think we are doing something outside the norm. Consider this: over 40 million people in the US access online dating websites every month. It is the fastest growing sector of online content. There is no reason to feel embarrassed, because if you date online you are actually part of a huge group.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to find someone special, or at the very least make some new friends, so why not use every resource available to you? You do not get extra points for meeting someone in a bar or while waiting for dry socks at the Laundromat. Does it matter to you how you met the important people already in your life? You probably barely even think about it.

By setting up a personal profile and a list of likes and dislikes, you invest time in yourself. More importantly, you are taking action by trying to improve yourself and your situation. You are putting yourself out there and taking control by refusing to be lonely and isolated.

I have found many advantages to the Internet. The anonymity of online dating allows you to roll out of bed, hair standing in ten different directions, breath smelling like Boston Harbor at low tide – then click! You stumble on a person you will be dating in a few weeks. The cost compared to going out and searching is next to nothing. You can learn more about a person’s interests to see if they mesh with yours. You do not have to deal with the harshness of rejection in person. You have a huge pool of people to explore (remember, 40 million!) from all walks-of-life, people you would never have the chance to meet within your neighborhood or small circle of friends.

There is also fraud and deception. You will probably come across a photo that looks eerily like Pamela Anderson – right down to the copyright in the lower corner. Clients tell me about married people posing as single. Nevertheless, these issues of honesty exist both on and off-line, so do not let that stop you from finding the partner you want.

With 43% of the U.S. population being single and with so many single clients asking me about Internet dating, I began to put a guide together to help my clients use this service effectively and safely and avoid these pitfalls. I want everyone to find the happiness they deserve and want to make this Tool book available to everyone for Free! To get your free E-Book, “Tools To Internet Dating” go to TheRelationshipTools.com and get your copy today.

Don’t be ashamed or afraid, learn the best and safest way to use the Internet to take control of your life and find the person you deserve!

About The Author - As a life coach, Devlyn has made helping people find ways to improve their lives his personal mission and passion. He is a public consultant, a private counselor, an author and creator of Tools To Life. He has hosted his own radio shows called "Tools To Life" and "Love beat" and has been a guest on over 150 various shows. You can read his articles and advice all over the internet. Devlyn has often been referred to as " America 's Leading Life-Coach." For free E-books and more information visit DevlynSteele.com Send Questions To: CoachSteele@ToolsToLife.com .

I logged on to a dating site the other day and was greeted by a large, flashing message. It promised that if I took the time to answer a series of questions that they would find a "perfect match" for me. Imagine that? All the work and worry of being single - gone! We truly have evolved! Not only can computer programs manage the entire traffic system of a city and make chess grandmasters cry, but now they can lead my perfect match right to my doorstep. I always wanted a Stepford wife, I hope it comes assembled.

The recent trend in Internet Dating has been the use of a "computer personality test" of some sort. Websites claim that these tests, usually developed by a "top psychologist", have the ability to understand you and your needs through a series of questions. Confused? Lost in love? Problems communicating? Don't worry, the Online Dating Hal 5000 can figure you out! In fact, when you're done, this computer program will know your needs and desires better than you do.

Remember the Broadway play “Fiddler on The Roof”? You might not, it was the first Broadway play I went to when I was seven. A song that always stuck in my head for some reason was “matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match …” The song starts as a plea to the matchmaker to bring true love straight to the altar; someone beautiful, rich, intelligent, and perfect.

But by the end of the song, the singer realizes that the Matchmaker might not be up to the task. She decides that “playing with matches, a girl can get burned”.

So, do these tests really work?

Personality tests have a long history. Really, really smart guys with names like Freud, Maslov, Fromm, and Jung developed respected psychological theories, and these theories are used as the basis for all types of tests. “The Big Five” theory suggests that there are five dimensions of personality: openness to experience, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. Some popular personality tests use this as a foundation. Others go the “Big Three” route, which does away with the “openness” and “agreeableness” dimensions - mostly because it’s easier to remember.

I joke a little about these theories, but the truth is that they’ve survived the test of time and there is a ton of scientific research behind them. The real question is if these tests can be effective in applying a theory to the complexity of a human being. Add to this the additional layer of meshing your answers with another, equally complex person. That’s a tall order.

People have impulsive behavior that simply can’t be measured when they’re sitting, relaxed and introspective, taking one of these tests. Often our answers reflect our perfect (or hopeful) idea of ourselves. Even if we are trying our best to be honest, our impulsive behavior in real-life situations can be far different than we’d expect.

Another wildcard is attraction. We can meet someone who’s empirically good-looking, has a similar background, is kind and successful – and yet we’re not attracted. Often we can’t explain why we like another person. It may be how they make us laugh, a crooked smile – even how they smell! Sometimes little things that are immeasurable on their own can collectively make us attracted.

Human beings and our emotions and desires are far too complex, and a computer program can’t solve the riddles of our romantic lives. As Jung put it, “the meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances; if there is a reaction both are transformed”. It sounds good, but even Jung was hedging his bet when it comes to love. What will cause two individuals to react to each other? Even the developers of the study of personality would not presume that a series of questions could predict romance.

If you rely solely on matchmaking services, you are missing the entire beauty of online dating. The beauty is opportunity. Online dating offers you an almost limitless opportunity to meet and date new people. It gives you the time and space to find what best suits you. Going to a quality dating site that isn’t trying to sell you fantasy of finding your match for you will mean you will have a pool of millions of singles to meet.

Treat matchmaking options as just another fun way to explore. It can serve as an ice breaker to start a conversation, but don’t expect them to be the answer to finding your perfect match. Keep all options open and explore possibilities. As a unique individual, only can you know what works for you. You need to develop skills to communicate and meet people. Developing both online and offline dating skills is the best way to find the right relationship.

Next time you’re brushing your teeth, take a look in the mirror. See that amazing person? That’s your matchmaker with a mouthful of toothpaste. Take charge of your life and get into action! Enjoy dating and enjoy the process of discovery. Your experiences, both good and not-so-good, are essential to finding the right person for you.

About The Author - As a life coach, Devlyn has made helping people find ways to improve their lives his personal mission and passion. He is a public consultant, a private counselor, an author and creator of Tools To Life. He has hosted his own radio shows called "Tools To Life" and "Love beat" and has been a guest on over 150 various shows. You can read his articles and advice all over the internet. Devlyn has often been referred to as " America 's Leading Life-Coach." For free E-books and more information visit DevlynSteele.com Send Questions To: CoachSteele@ToolsToLife.com .

Do a Google search for “dates from hell”, and you just might crash their servers. There are tons of websites devoted to subject. One described a guy who talked about his ex-girlfriend all night, then drove by his ex’s house a few times because he was “concerned for her welfare”. Another told the story of a girl who made another date for later that evening, over her cell phone, during dinner. I’m sure you have a few war stories of your own. You know what I think?

There are no bad dates.

“No bad dates??” you’d tell me. “You’ve obviously never spent an evening with Mr/Ms. X who thought the silverware was speaking to them…in Klingon”. Maybe not, but so long as you were not in any danger or got hurt in any way, it wasn’t that bad. It probably only lasted a few hours, and you must have found some humor in that person across the table, waiting for the mothership. Cross Captain Kirk off of your list and chalk it up to a learning experience.

The important thing is to not get discouraged and give up on dating completely. Stick with it, and keep looking to make that connection. Here are three quick tips:

Release yourself from expectation.

Never “expect” your date to be “the one”, no matter how cute or nice they are initially. You set the date up to be a disaster by your unrealistic expectations. It creates undue pressure and leads you on a scavenger hunt for faults in the other person. Relax, enjoy the process, and don’t focus on an “end result” that you have invented for yourself.

It's all about attitude! Your mindset is what determines the quality of any experience. If you approach your date with a good attitude, there are no bad dates. Each experience is a step towards finding the person that is right for you.

Go out on as many dates as possible.

The way to that right person is through a lot of not-the-right persons. The more dates you have, the more opportunities you make for yourself. Mr. or Ms. Right will not come knocking on your door while you are watching TV. Date, date and then date some more, the process is the answer.

Meet many people that might be possible dates.

A positive dating attitude gives you endless opportunities to meet the right person.

Don’t rule out any method or avenue, and try them all: speed date, people at the gym, through friends, or online - even Aunt Millie’s set up. Do it all!

The Internet is fast becoming one of the best and most accepted ways to meet people. They call it online dating, but it should really be called online meeting, since you don’t actually date until you physically get together. It is, however, a melting pot of interesting people and opportunities. There are ways to meet people online safely and with great success! Go to The RealtionshipTools.com and get your free book, “Tools to Online Dating” and become a successful dater with no bad dates!

About The Author - As a life coach, Devlyn has made helping people find ways to improve their lives his personal mission and passion. He is a public consultant, a private counselor, an author and creator of Tools To Life. He has hosted his own radio shows called "Tools To Life" and "Love beat" and has been a guest on over 150 various shows. You can read his articles and advice all over the internet. Devlyn has often been referred to as " America 's Leading Life-Coach." For free E-books and more information visit DevlynSteele.com Send Questions To: CoachSteele@ToolsToLife.com

As soon as Chelsea walked in, she plopped down on the couch and announced, “I am so frustrated.”

“Hello Chelsea ,” I said.

Ignoring my greeting altogether, she continued, “No really, Coach, I am.”

A few months earlier, Chelsea , a successful, attractive and very fit thirty-something lawyer, had been involved in a serious quest for a good, long-term relationship. She was in my office explaining how hard it had been to find a man of similar goals and values given her busy lifestyle. I had encouraged her to try online dating. I pointed out that it would be an effective method of connecting with a large number of men that fit her criteria, in the shortest amount of time, with minimal effort.

“ Chelsea , please explain,” I replied, taking to her cue to skip the formalities and get right to the point.

“I really did it," she continued, "I changed my pattern, followed your steps, went online and approached my search with a new set of guidelines. I can tell you, it worked! I found the right guy.”

“And…?”

“Well, Ben is a wonderful man. He’s everything I could have hoped for. We have fun together and can agree on just about everything. He’s already my best friend. I even waited this time and didn’t rush into sex.”

She hesitated. I waited for her to continue.

” That’s where the problem comes up, Coach. I don’t know what to do. Like I said, I’m frustrated...the sex is not so good. It’s terrible because everything else about our relationship is perfect. I can truly see us building a happy life together.” Then, after a pensive pause, “ I’m thinking maybe I should just fake it. The sex should get better, right? Isn’t it ok to fake it for now?”

Chelsea is one of countless women who resort to “faking it” to fool their partners into believing they enjoy lovemaking when they actually do not. Why do so many women feel they have to pretend to enjoy sex instead of actually being able to enjoy it?

Some women simply don’t have orgasms and they feel insecure about it. This is usually the result of growing up with a feeling of shame and guilt about sexuality. From a very young age, girls are sent pretty clear messages that discourage them from expressing and/or fully exploring this aspect of themselves. Consequently, many women have to learn that it is good to get in touch with their bodies on an intimate level and learn how to be turned on. Only then can true sexual enjoyment be experienced.

Men contribute to this problem with their own insecurity and lack of a basic understanding of how women function sexually. Since so many men measure their very degree of “maleness” by their sexual prowess, it has become well established that giving a woman an orgasm is a defining element in what we call manhood. The problem is that when a woman cares enough about a man to become intimate with him, she usually cares enough about his ego to feel incredible pressure to make him believe she thoroughly enjoys sex with him. Some woman experiencing the need to please a man’s ego report faking orgasms “just to end the incessant pounding.”

Men should understand that every sexual encounter will not lead to her having an orgasm, and that it is ok. Not having an orgasm does not mean she did not find the experience pleasurable. Relieving her of this pressure will allow her to become more relaxed and more receptive, thus leading to more orgasms!

I know most men would never admit it publicly, but many could benefit from learning more about how to please women. It is probably a good idea to start by letting go of the notion that the only way a woman can be stimulated to a climax is by way of intercourse. In fact, only about 30% of women can experience orgasm with intercourse alone. That leaves a staggering majority of women who require other forms of stimulation.

I could go on in great detail about this particular issue because it is truly at the heart of so many of these problems. Chelsea ’s problems were rooted elsewhere.

Based on her own accounts, Chelsea placed too heavy an importance on creating the “perfect” relationship. She went on and on about what a perfect match she and Ben were. By wanting something so much can create fear and anxiety not allowing you to relax. Nonetheless, Chelsea ’s attention became so focused on how perfect their lovemaking should be, that her own natural ability to enjoy the exquisite pleasures of intimacy was severely hampered. To Chelsea , any problem that could taint this otherwise perfect relationship had to be squelched by a quick solution: Fake orgasms. Problem solved. Forgetting that a long-term relationship needs to be built on a solid foundation.

In his 1996 book, Contemporary Interpersonal Theory and Research, Donald Kiesler provided us with a behavior concordance model which explains the Interpersonal Reflex Principle. This basically states that much of our interpersonal behavior is designed to elicit predictable responses from those with whom we interact. These actions put into motion a cycle where one’s behavior is constantly confirming, recognizing, validating and influencing the behavior of others. Sounds complicated but it is not. In essence we are training people what we like and don’t like.

A dog, for example, repeats good behavior rewarded. However, if you reward a dog for unwanted behavior like begging at the table, the dog will repeat that behavior and always beg. To fake an orgasm is to confirm to your partner that what they were doing was good. This creates a positive feeling in your partner and they will do more of the same. Unlike the dog, training your partner to perform this trick will not leave you begging for more.

Trying to break the cycle will confuse your partner creating doubt. Your partner will lose confidence and never know when to trust you, is he pleasing you or not? When this happens sex will only get worse and the relationship strained.

“To answer the question should women fake it? No! Never fake it.”

Problems, as much as we would like them to, do not just go away. The longer you go without confronting and handling them, the bigger they become. Sexual dissatisfaction is one of the leading causes of couples splitting up. The number one reason for sexual dissatisfaction is lack of communication. Forgoing communication and opting to simply fake it will only widen the gap between you two and ultimately ruin the relationship.

It is vital that you develop a level of communication with your partner that allows for frank and honest about sex talk. But, how do you tell your partner what turns you on? First set the ground rules between yourselves that sex talk is healthy, fun and in no way to be taken in an offensive manner, then:

Talk during sex. Don’t be afraid of hurting your partner’s ego by taking the time to teach them what brings you the most pleasure. Men in particular are very eager and happy students in this area. Just relax. It is ok to ask, “Do you like this?” or “How does this feel?” By all means, if you are asked such questions, be honest with your answers: “Yes, that feels good.” or, “I liked it when you did this instead” and, “It really turns me on when you do this.” Never ask after sex, “Was it good?” I can tell you that no one likes to be asked this question. File it under the same category as “Do I look fat in this?”

Talk about sex when you are not having sex . Ask questions and keep learning more about each other. Tell each other your fantasies and be willing to explore them, within reason. Opening and maintaining these communication lines will make you both more comfortable about the subject. Talking can also serve to build excitement as prolonged foreplay.

Buy books and explore together . Here is another peculiar aspect. We want sex, think about sex and are bombarded with it all over television, movies and advertisements. Oddly, very few of us study anything about it. A man will invest an exorbitant amount of time learning the parts of an engine or memorizing sports stats, but spends zero time learning about the female orgasm. Both women and men should take every opportunity to become students of sex together. Not only is it very sexy to learn together, you will both benefit from it greatly in the long run.

If you are in a relationship, starting a new one, or looking to get into one, learn that ultimately communication is the key to building a healthy and enjoyable sex life together. Let us do away with this notion that it is somehow wrong or shameful to talk openly about sex or that you can offend each other. I find it interesting that couples can be intimate with each other, yet feel uncomfortable discussing the intimacy. So, talk, learn, teach and, most importantly, have fun!

About The Author - As a life coach, Devlyn has made helping people find ways to improve their lives his personal mission and passion. He is a public consultant, a private counselor, an author and creator of Tools To Life. He has hosted his own radio shows called "Tools To Life" and "Love beat" and has been a guest on over 150 various shows. You can read his articles and advice all over the internet. Devlyn has often been referred to as " America 's Leading Life-Coach." For free E-books and more information visit DevlynSteele.com Send Questions To: CoachSteele@ToolsToLife.com.

Whether you are actively dating or just getting back into dating, it is a world full of possibilities. However, most of us are creatures of habit and our patterns keep us in a dating box, searching for and dating the same types over and over.

Making contact online, you first have to find people that interest you by searching the dating website’s membership. Online the dating box is literal, as you have to fill in web forms to find potential dates. Most dating sites give you two ways to search – quick or advanced. Quick searches are just that – they’re small web forms that let you search based on just a few criteria, like location or age. Advanced searches are larger web forms that let you search using lots of more specific criteria, like hair color, eye color, education, body type and more.

Just remember that the more criteria that you use for your searches, the fewer results you’ll get. Searches are unforgiving – they’ll return exactly what you ask for. We call them “harsh numbers”. When you choose an age range of, let’s say, 30-39, the person who just turned 40 will not show up in the search results. If you want to find someone with light brown hair, those great dark brown haired people…like me…will be cast aside.

Also, many sites let you use keywords as part of the search criteria. This allows a search for words in a member’s profile that match your areas of interest. You can search specifically for words like “tennis”, “skiing”, or something else. This lets you be super-specific if you wish.

Although you want to find someone that attracts you and that you share things in common, don’t limit yourself to what you think is “your type”. After all, the “type” that you have gone for in the past might have not worked out. Think “outside your box”. What we often think is “our type” is the same person we have been chasing unsuccessfully, through one bad relationship after another, our whole life. Even if your type was a successful relationship in the past, you cannot repeat a relationship you once had with someone new. Unless you date outside your box you will never know if maybe someone different just might be your “type.”

When going over your wants, there is the numbers trap that we need to watch out for as well. Offline we often use the expression, “numbers don’t lie.” However the new culture of online dating, numbers often do lie.

For instance the harsh numbers of weight, height and age when in black and white may make a person appear unattractive to you online, who you would find very attractive offline.

When we meet people in person we don’t say,

How old are you?

How much do you weigh?

How tall are you?

How much money do you make?

In person someone may carry his or her height, weight or age off in a very attractive manner. But when you look at the numbers online you think too old, too heavy, too short, too tall etc and that simply may not be the case. You have the right to want what you want, but I tell you this so that you can allow yourself to look past the numbers and be more open.

If you’re not finding people that fit, try expanding your horizons. You are not making any long-term commitment when meeting people, so be open and meet more people and who you fall for might surprise you. So get out of your dating box and don’t restrict yourself. Allow the incredible opportunity of online dating to work for you. Contact and meet a lot of people and leave yourself open to the possibilities …

About The Author - As a life coach, Devlyn has made helping people find ways to improve their lives his personal mission and passion. He is a public consultant, a private counselor, an author and creator of Tools To Life. He has hosted his own radio shows called "Tools To Life" and "Love beat" and has been a guest on over 150 various shows. You can read his articles and advice all over the internet. Devlyn has often been referred to as " America 's Leading Life-Coach." For free E-books and more information visit DevlynSteele.com Send Questions To: CoachSteele@ToolsToLife.com

(Black Couch Tales) By: Devlyn Steele

Is attraction enough?

Mike was completely stressed when he walked into my office last week. Taking a long drink of water, he slumped onto my black leather couch and sighed.

“Coach,” he said. “I need to get out of my relationship.”

Mike is 38 years old and a successful screenwriter. Mike was also perpetually single with a long history of failed relationships. His situation is typical: he wasn’t necessary afraid of something long-term, he just could never find “the One”. Mike could never stay in a romantic situation for long before moving to something new.

Today’s session was no different. Once again he found himself feeling stuck with someone he didn’t want to be with. He told me his story.

“I met Lexy about a year ago. I was at a bar and there she was. She looked awesome and had a great smile. I was attracted and I just had to get to know her.”

For Mike it always started with physical attraction. He continued, “We really hit it off. The next thing you know, we are heavily involved. Things were great at least…the first six months were a blast…really fun. I think I gained ten pounds though. My buddy calls it the Love Diet. You stop going to the gym, order in, and stay in bed day and night.”

Mike’s enthusiasm began to fade as he said, “After the first six months things slowly started to change. We started to get to know each other outside of the bedroom. The more we talked, the more I realized that I had nothing in common with her. And to be honest…this is sort of rough to admit…I wasn’t interested in a thing she had to say.”

“Our relationship became tense at worst and polite at best. Little things started to bug me. The way she chewed her food drove me insane. The way she laughed…it was this high-pitched squeal that I think only dogs could hear…it made me nuts.”

He sighed. “I’m getting on her nerves too. Last week Lexy nearly shoved me out of bed because she said I was snoring too loud.”

Mike straightened up and locked eyes with me. “We need to break up and it’s been a long time coming anyhow. I’m okay with that. But what I really need to figure out is: what the heck is going on in my relationships? It’s always the same. Is it me? Am I meeting the right women? I’m 38 and I still haven’t figured it out.”

Dating often starts as a chance meeting where physical attraction leads us to relationships we “end up in” rather than a choice we stop and think about. We get caught up in the excitement of meeting someone new. We give in to the rush!

But eventually the “chemical reaction” of attraction begins to sputter. The excitement fades and we often find ourselves with a person we don’t know that well. In Mike’s case, he realized he was with someone he couldn’t stand to be around.

This leads us to online dating. There are aspects of character and personality that will create a bond beyond the initial stage of attraction, and online dating allows us to go beyond the chance meeting, beyond the physical attraction. We can search out potential matches that we might never meet in our everyday lives. With the click of a mouse we have access to a wealth of information: interests, hobbies, passions, lifestyle, beliefs, and more.

Online dating allows us to approach dating from an entirely different angle. Instead of getting to know someone from the outside-in, we can establish a relationship from the inside-out.

Does this “more informed” method your romantic life lead to a more compatible and satisfying relationship? Unfortunately the answer is “No!”

Just like physical attraction alone isn’t enough to carry a long-term relationship, having things in common alone won’t satisfy you. You still need physical attraction. You may find tons of people online who will seem perfect. Then you meet face-to-face and you know in a split-second that this person is not for you. You never really know what will happen until you meet.

But imagine if you are attracted! The reason you decided to meet in the first place was because you have things in common and your personalities meshed. You’ve already laid the foundation to take your dating beyond the physical.

What online dating really offers is opportunity to find and communicate with lots of people with whom we share common interests and qualities. It’s not the holy grail of dating, but it’s an excellent way to increase your chances of finding something long-term.

You may still have to go on many dates to find your match, but that is why the Internet is so exciting! There are always new people to find, and always the opportunity for that next date.

Mike is currently online dating and loving it! I encourage you to give it a try for yourself.

About the Author...
Devlyn Steele ("America's Leading Life-Coach") is a Relationship Coach, Life Coach.

A Columnist as well as radio host. Devlyn has also developed ToolsToLife.com. As a Relationship-Coach Devlyn has created the OnlineDatingKit.com which teaches Internet daters the skills they need to find their perfect matches on their own and offers a complementary e-book at no cost on “How To Choose The Right Dating Site For You.”

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